So recently I read the book ‘Sis, don’t settle’ written by Judge Faith Jenkins who played Judge Faith on a nationally syndicated arbitration-based court reality TV show.

I first chanced upon this book when I saw a YouTube video where she was interviewed by On Relationships and Matters of the Heart. I was intrigued because she has presided for decades over divorce cases and has really seen how marriage can go awry, I hear from more than a few family lawyers that working in this line has the occupational hazard of making you lose faith in the institution of marriage and family.

However, what I saw in front of me in that YouTube Special was someone full of life and vibrancy and hope.

She is a believer in God and in the possibility of a love that lasts a lifetime.

Since I’m on my own journey of healing and also looking to find a love that last a lifetime, I thought I would pick up the book and glean whatever wisdom Judge Jenkins had to impart.

I was not disappointed!

The book is written in a tone that is both sweet and salty, and has so much sass I felt really validated and refreshed by her honesty, straightforward way of approaching a somewhat sensitive subject.

My main takeaway from the book is that in order to find a love that lasts a lifetime, you need to know your own value, and be willing to walk away from people that do not recognize that.

The second takeaway is that love requires effort, energy and thoughtfulness and kindness and respect.

Many couples reserve their ‘leftovers’ for each other, when really, the best parts of ourselves need to be shown to the other.

And that’s not to say that you can’t be real with your partner, but that it is important to always be mindful of the manner in which we show up for our partner.

Communication

Jenkins talks quite abit about communication and the pivotal role it plays in healthy relationships. As someone who sometimes find its hard to talk about my real feelings, especially when it could lead to conflict, I realize that hiding my real feelings is actually not healthy in the long run, because it can lead to burnout, resentment and many misunderstandings.

Plus, it’s not fair to my partner to hide who I really am.

Jenkins says, ‘Love someone enough to be transparent about your concerns so that you can make decisions as a team.’ Therein lies the rub. Your concerns.

Many women grow up conditioned to believe that to be loved, they must be agreeable, that to be chosen, they must bend, that to be safe, they must shrink themselves, smooth their edges, make room for everyone but themselves. They learn to equate sacrifice with virtue and silence with peace, but the truth is, that peace based on self-erasure is not peace at all. And it is entirely unsustainable because of the suffering inflicted.

People Lie, Patterns Don’t

If you are open-minded and open hearted, is is quite easy for you to take things at face value and accept what people say about themselves.

However, Judge Jenkin’s warns, actions speak louder than words.

How does a person behave? Do his actions line up with what he tells you about who his is, and are they congruent with his level of commitment to you?

If you know that a man is inconsistent in behaviour or uninterested in the level of commitment you are looking for, it is not safe for you to continue to open your mind, heart and body to that individual.

However, many of us, and I’m am not exempt, tend to continue to pour into that person, often because of the emotional bond we develop with said person.

Judge Jenkin’s pointed out, however, that “Disciplined decision-making is the strongest form of self-love. At times that will mean walking away from men who give you goosebumps”

She then underscore an important point that resonates deeply with me,

“Love should not shield us from accountability by clouding our judgment and keeping us from seeing things we would see in any other aspect of our lives.“

Denial and Confirmation Bias

The next time you evaluate the character of a potential partner, be aware of this: Confirmation Bias – our tendency to cherry-pick information that confirms our existing beliefs or ideas.

We tend to do this because sometimes, facing reality is harder than living a lie.

If you are someone who has a tendency to chronically miss red flags, you need an external tool: detecting patterns. e.g. A man who is consistently late to your dates is someone who doesn’t prioritize you; a man who regularly berates service staff lacks human decency and has a violent ego.

On the flip side, there are positive patterns to lookout for in healthy potential partners e.g. a man who remembers little details and meaningfully incorporates them into dates isn’t “too nice,” he cares about you.

A man who is courteous to others isn’t a necessarily a people-pleaser – he knows when not to pick a fight and how to conduct himself in our presence.

I really resonated and found myself tickled when Judge Jenkins highlighted how some women have a tendency of dating men whom they know can’t meet their needs and allow themselves to get their hopes up that things will change.

Her prescription for this denial of reality was, “Stop blaming the clown for being a clown. Instead, ask yourself why you keep going back to the circus and find a new hobby” *LOL*

Build a Rich and Fulfilling Life Outside of the Love of Your Life

While it is tempting to think that when we meet the right person everything will fall into place and we will feel fulfilled, this is the farthest thing from the truth—many broken hearts and failed marriage partnerships are a testament to that.

As such, Judge Jenkins recommended that it is essential for you to build a solid foundation for yourself outside of the love space and this means going out there with a beginner’s mind and heart (even after a devastating breakup).

As adults, we get to create the life we want.

“Be vibrant, do things that you’re not so good at, rediscover old talents, and commit to constant growth. The young you was good at karate or loved crafting – get involved again.

Or how about now trying aerial yoga? Just do something.

You’ll have an exciting life with or without a man, and any man will then know that he better come correct!”

If you have lost hope in having a relationship that works for you, without you having to lose or compromise key aspects of what makes you, you, this is a highly relevant and enjoyable guide to getting the kind of love you want.

I hope this post has been an encouragement to you in your journey of finding love again.