Over and over again
It goes
In my mind
And my thoughts
My soul
Who was he?
Who were we?
Quiet memories of
Evenings spent watching LOTR
And your favorite animes:
Full Metal Alchemist
Death Note
Naruto
I lived for these
Moments of connection
With you
Where I could catch a
Glimpse of the
Worlds in which you lived
The tropes you operated on
How many times
Did we fight
And all I ended up
Feeling was a sense
Of abject failure?
How many conversations
Did we have
As to where I felt
We were stuck in
A holding pattern?
I got zero no matter
How much
Energy I expended
How many confrontations
Were deflected
And how many promises
Undelivered
There’s a word that’s
Coming up a lot in my mind
These days:
“Gaslighter”
I lived in your reality
For so long
I thought your barbed words
Were ‘cute’
You passed off hurtful words
And actions
As ‘jokes’ even though
They formed a consistent
Pattern
Gaslighter
For nine long years
I lived with
You and endured
So much self-doubt
Shame and blame
You found me when
I was vulnerable
And twisted my reality
For yours
I kept feeling
Afraid you’d
Leave me one day
The day came
You beat me up
And said
“This is it, you fucking
Bitch, I’m getting
A divorce”
As I sat in the
Corner of the couch
In a foetal position
To protect myself
From your blows
Raining down on me
Gaslighter
I loved you
In the end
All of these affections
Ended in such
Violence
Gaslighter
I hurt you
I kept apologizing
For losing my temper
And yelling,
Being controlling,
You called me a bully.
…
I thought you were joking
Gaslighter
I thought I needed you
But all this while
I was running
Away from Myself
meowmeowproject 